I guess I’m just tired of myself.
My inner monologue has become nothing more than whining. It shouldn’t be that way. I should be happy. I have a beautiful family, two adorable children, and a hard-working and amazing husband. Shouldn’t I be the happiest girl in the world?
The answer is yes, but the reality is I’m not and I know I can’t blame anyone but myself.
Every day I wake up and tell myself that this is the day. This is the day when I clean my house until it could be a spread in Good Housekeeping. This is the day when I’m going to eat so healthily that veggie-eating rabbits will be jealous. This is the day I’m free of bad habits. This is the day I finish what I start. This is the day when all my clothes are going to fit and my hair is going to shine. This is the day of never-ending patience.
And you know what happens? Well, none of the above. So I go to bed feeling like a failure. I go to bed disgusted with myself for not following through. I tell myself that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I’ll be successful. And, you guessed it, I’m still waiting for tomorrow.
I’ve had enough.
What I need is a challenge. And I’m not talking about losing five pounds or cleaning out that closet that I need to clean out. I’m talking about a REAL challenge. I’m talking about doing something that’s almost impossible. I’m talking about pushing myself to the breaking point and then refusing to break. I don’t know my limits and I want to. And then I want to exceed them.
I’m carrying forty pounds of baby weight and I’m out of shape. I’m five two and a hundred and seventy-seven pounds. (I’ve never admitted that before.) I’ve been this way since my first child and now I’ve had my second. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate seeing myself in the mirror because in my head I still look like one-thirty. I’m tired of myself. And I’m tired of not doing anything about it. I use my lack of athletic skill as an excuse for not getting in shape. I’m like a fat Bella without depth perception. But that’s no excuse. So what if I fall down? Get up and keep going!!!
This isn’t about trying to be someone I’m not. I like who I am. This is just about shaking things up. It’s about getting to know a new side of myself and doing something I always wanted to do but told myself I couldn’t.
In nine weeks, I’m going to run a half-marathon. On October 16th I’m going to run thirteen miles in one day.
What are you going to do?
I wanna lose wight like 33 pounds is it possible...I don't know and it's not just about losing weight it's about me not thinking that I'm not good looking in my head, It's about that little voice in my head that makes me cry sometime to shut the eff up ?(i feel like no one likes me), it's about me being not the only 19 year old on the face of earth who haven't gone on a date...I lost about 20 lbs two years ago but I gained it all back because of my stupid hormones ( i didn't get my period for a while),so I wanna be 119 pounds on october 16 is it possible? I'll try to make it possible...
ReplyDeleteI've done the same thing for the past year...going to sleep thinking that tomorrow would be different, when in truth the day after I just end up being even more disgusted in myself.
PS i really need to go on a date, but i don't think that would happen by that time, I'm just starting university in vancouver so I'm moving to a whole new country( I live in dubai). This can actually be a very good thing for me...don't let me get more depress than I am...
PPS i'm not 19 yet, I'll turn 19 on november
@addicted2twific
ReplyDeleteI think you're so brave to be moving to a whole new country for school! I'm jealous of you just for the whole adventure aspect of it. You get to start fresh! That is an amazing opportunity.
Don't stress about dating. Just be yourself and have fun and when the time is right it'll just happen. (Do I sound like an informercial? I feel like I sound like an informercial...) You're taking the first step right now. You're taking a stand and you want to be motivated. So be motivated. You can, we all can, do this!
Your goal is only impossible if you think it is. Don't let failing be an option. Take it off the table. You can do this. You're going to.